Hi all (if I have any readers left, that is)!
My baby girl is doing well, as am I. This has been quite the uneventful pregnancy, up to now. My body has taken it much better this time around, which I did not expect. I have barely gained 10 pounds, and I will admit I could afford to gain more. I have not had any seizures, and my only complaints are mundane for pregnancy--morning sickness and back pain. I am thanking all the people who prayed for me, as well as my son for keeping me in such good shape and keeping my mind off any little ache or pain.
The big events are starting to happen now, though, but they are happy events! We are moving cross-country with only 4 weeks up until my scheduled c-section date. Thankfully we have a very supportive family, and they are giving us all the help we'll need plus more. I already have an appointment scheduled with my new doctor for next week, and they should accomodate our schedule.
As I said before, the baby looks great. I just had a growth ultrasound yesterday, and she is in the 59th/51st percentiles, estimated at 4 lbs. 11 oz. +/- 6 oz. The doctor also said she has a lot of hair! I hope he's right about the hair. :)
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
A Vow to Myself and my Family
I would like to make this vow in writing, for all of you to see:
I promise to try harder this time around.
I promise for extra cuddles (if that is even possible!).
I promise to shower at least every other day, and get out of my pajamas!
I promise to multitask when I can, and this does not mean get on the computer.
I promise to love you with my whole heart plus more.
I promise to not show favoritism.
I promise to not slight you because "we've done this all before."
I promise hugs and kisses every day.
I promise to be at all your games, recitals, and anything that is important to you. Even if I have to lose my job.
I promise to be your Mommy. I promise to love you. Forever and always. Even if you slam the door in my face when you are 13. I know you love me too.
I promise to try harder this time around.
I promise for extra cuddles (if that is even possible!).
I promise to shower at least every other day, and get out of my pajamas!
I promise to multitask when I can, and this does not mean get on the computer.
I promise to love you with my whole heart plus more.
I promise to not show favoritism.
I promise to not slight you because "we've done this all before."
I promise hugs and kisses every day.
I promise to be at all your games, recitals, and anything that is important to you. Even if I have to lose my job.
I promise to be your Mommy. I promise to love you. Forever and always. Even if you slam the door in my face when you are 13. I know you love me too.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
News
My day got started with a call from my neurologist's office with bloodwork results. Usually those just get mailed to me, and we discuss them at my bi-monthly appointments. My medication level dropped, which means my daily dosage has to be increased.
I am only 18 weeks. I did not have to have anything increased until the late 2nd trimester/early 3rd trimester last pregnancy. Logically, I know this is for the better. I know that they are monitoring everything a lot closer. I know that my dosage was not increased until after I had a seizure with my last pregnancy, so I should be thankful this has been caught. But I still feel like this is early. There are so many "what if"s. What if it is going to be worse this time because it is so early? What if i have to take so much more of my medicine that it cancels out the amount of folic acid I'm taking? What if, what if, what if?
I'm trying so hard to focus on the logical advice given by my OB last year: the health of the mother comes first. Seizures cause me to lose oxygen, which cause baby to lose oxygen. The medication may cause a birth defect, but oxygen loss will cause trauma or death. You can fix a defective baby but you cannot fix a dead baby. That is near verbatim. Those words will forever stand out in my mind, and I am just trying to repeat them to myself when I am forcing myself to swallow 6 pills in the morning and 4 at night. This isn't permanent, and there is a prize in the end.
I am only 18 weeks. I did not have to have anything increased until the late 2nd trimester/early 3rd trimester last pregnancy. Logically, I know this is for the better. I know that they are monitoring everything a lot closer. I know that my dosage was not increased until after I had a seizure with my last pregnancy, so I should be thankful this has been caught. But I still feel like this is early. There are so many "what if"s. What if it is going to be worse this time because it is so early? What if i have to take so much more of my medicine that it cancels out the amount of folic acid I'm taking? What if, what if, what if?
I'm trying so hard to focus on the logical advice given by my OB last year: the health of the mother comes first. Seizures cause me to lose oxygen, which cause baby to lose oxygen. The medication may cause a birth defect, but oxygen loss will cause trauma or death. You can fix a defective baby but you cannot fix a dead baby. That is near verbatim. Those words will forever stand out in my mind, and I am just trying to repeat them to myself when I am forcing myself to swallow 6 pills in the morning and 4 at night. This isn't permanent, and there is a prize in the end.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Take care
Sometimes I feel like I need a caretaker for myself. I feel like I do a pretty good, if not great, job taking care of my son (who is 10.5 months now!), but so much of myself gets tossed by the wayside. I know that is what happens when you become a mother, but now that I am pregnant again, I should be taking much better care of myself than I am.
This pregnancy is going pretty similarly to my last one: lots of marital stress, lots of arguing, morning sickness, weight loss, worrying, etc. However, I cannot seem to eat. I don't find many things appetizing, I gag when I put food in my mouth, and I even have a strong anti-nausea prescription (which I did not have last time). I already weigh less than I have in years. Less than I got down to with my last pregnancy, probably what I weighed when I was a junior in high school, obsessed with exercising and counting calories. I swear I am not trying to do this.
Also, I have forgotten my anti-seizure and anti-depressants the past two days. Yes, I know what can happen if I forget. I just get too caught up in playing with my son or too caught up in thinking about everything else or wanting to sleep when he sleeps that I forget.
I want this pregnancy to go better. I want to be healthy. I want a healthy baby. More than anything. I just don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to feel trapped.
This pregnancy is going pretty similarly to my last one: lots of marital stress, lots of arguing, morning sickness, weight loss, worrying, etc. However, I cannot seem to eat. I don't find many things appetizing, I gag when I put food in my mouth, and I even have a strong anti-nausea prescription (which I did not have last time). I already weigh less than I have in years. Less than I got down to with my last pregnancy, probably what I weighed when I was a junior in high school, obsessed with exercising and counting calories. I swear I am not trying to do this.
Also, I have forgotten my anti-seizure and anti-depressants the past two days. Yes, I know what can happen if I forget. I just get too caught up in playing with my son or too caught up in thinking about everything else or wanting to sleep when he sleeps that I forget.
I want this pregnancy to go better. I want to be healthy. I want a healthy baby. More than anything. I just don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to feel trapped.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Tired
Sometimes I wish real life was like Hollywood. Not the movies, just like celebrity life. I wish I could check into the hospital for "exhaustion" just so I could get away from my life for a few days, weeks, whatever. Just until I felt like going back.
I am so tired.
Tired of doing everything.
Tired of being nagged.
Tired of putting the baby to bed and being expected to hop right on the housework instead of allowing myself some time to eat or relax.
Tired of putting everyone's needs in front of my own, especially when I need to eat right to gain weight for this baby, when all I have done is lost it.
I just want to go lay down somewhere, where people will take care of ME. Where no one will call me lazy for wanting to lay down. Where people will ask me how I feel. Where people will notice when I feel down. Where I won't have to fake it.
I'm not a lazy piece of shit. I'm not any of those things. I'm just a little stressed out. No, I don't get stressed too easily, I am just overworked and underappreciated.
I am so tired.
Tired of doing everything.
Tired of being nagged.
Tired of putting the baby to bed and being expected to hop right on the housework instead of allowing myself some time to eat or relax.
Tired of putting everyone's needs in front of my own, especially when I need to eat right to gain weight for this baby, when all I have done is lost it.
I just want to go lay down somewhere, where people will take care of ME. Where no one will call me lazy for wanting to lay down. Where people will ask me how I feel. Where people will notice when I feel down. Where I won't have to fake it.
I'm not a lazy piece of shit. I'm not any of those things. I'm just a little stressed out. No, I don't get stressed too easily, I am just overworked and underappreciated.
Friday, July 10, 2009
FAQ
What kind of IUD did you have?
I had the Copper IUD, brandname Paragard. It does not contain hormones. For more information go to http://www.paragard.com/ or ask your doctor.
What made you decide to take a pregnancy test?
I had regular 28-day cycles and was 5 days late.
Was your IUD inserted incorrectly?
No. It was inserted perfectly, but it shifted and moved out of my uterus into my cervix. It was removed 3 days after I got my positive home pregnancy test at 5 weeks 3 days gestation. I also had an ultrasound to ensure the pregnancy was viable and only saw a gestational sac.
What is the effectiveness rate for the Paragard IUD?
99.4% which is the same as tubal ligation, surprisingly. I guess we got lucky.
Are you going to sue your doctor?
(This really gets asked!) The thought has never crossed my mind, and I would never do that. He is a great guy, and anyway, you have to sign a waiver stating that you understand the risks involved before you get it inserted. I'm not a money grubber!
What are you doing for future birth control?
I'm getting a tubal ligation with my planned c-section in December.
Were you using any back up methods?
Not at all! Who thinks to do that when they are using an (almost) fail-safe birth control method? Would you?
I had the Copper IUD, brandname Paragard. It does not contain hormones. For more information go to http://www.paragard.com/ or ask your doctor.
What made you decide to take a pregnancy test?
I had regular 28-day cycles and was 5 days late.
Was your IUD inserted incorrectly?
No. It was inserted perfectly, but it shifted and moved out of my uterus into my cervix. It was removed 3 days after I got my positive home pregnancy test at 5 weeks 3 days gestation. I also had an ultrasound to ensure the pregnancy was viable and only saw a gestational sac.
What is the effectiveness rate for the Paragard IUD?
99.4% which is the same as tubal ligation, surprisingly. I guess we got lucky.
Are you going to sue your doctor?
(This really gets asked!) The thought has never crossed my mind, and I would never do that. He is a great guy, and anyway, you have to sign a waiver stating that you understand the risks involved before you get it inserted. I'm not a money grubber!
What are you doing for future birth control?
I'm getting a tubal ligation with my planned c-section in December.
Were you using any back up methods?
Not at all! Who thinks to do that when they are using an (almost) fail-safe birth control method? Would you?
Monday, July 6, 2009
Disclaimer
The thought crossed my mind last night, as I was writing last night's post, that someone in my family might come across my blog. My sister is an avid blog-reader, as are a couple of my cousins. I've done the best I can to keep this anonymous as possible, leaving out names, photos and any other identifiers.
In that case, if they did find it, I want to let them know why I never told them some of this. It is hard for some people to understand the feeling of an unwanted pregnancy. Some people don't necessarily believe that there is more than one "option" once the plus sign shows up. I don't think anyone will truly understand the sense of dread and panic that set in when I saw the positive. I never wanted to get pregnant again because I truly did not feel like my body was a safe environment for a baby. The week of decision-making was truly the hardest, most emotional week of my life. I shut off most of my family and friends, and I told my sister I didn't want to talk about it when she brought it up. When she told me she was jealous, I told her she could have it. Obviously, I would be devastated if anything happened to this baby now, but I was not thinking straight then. I have been reassured, and I know that I am being taken care of in more ways than one. Our plans were for me to take the RU 486 and to tell our family there was a miscarriage.
After talking with both my OB and neurologist, praying a lot, thinking a lot, I decided that there was no medical reason to go through with that. That all the concerns were selfish after that, and that we could not play God. I still strongly, firmly believe in a woman's right to choose. I still believe you have options. I would never wish that on anyone though. That was the most hellish week of my life.
And I would have told you if I thought you would understand, and if I thought you wouldn't judge me or try to preach. No one needs that when they are going through something so difficult already.
In that case, if they did find it, I want to let them know why I never told them some of this. It is hard for some people to understand the feeling of an unwanted pregnancy. Some people don't necessarily believe that there is more than one "option" once the plus sign shows up. I don't think anyone will truly understand the sense of dread and panic that set in when I saw the positive. I never wanted to get pregnant again because I truly did not feel like my body was a safe environment for a baby. The week of decision-making was truly the hardest, most emotional week of my life. I shut off most of my family and friends, and I told my sister I didn't want to talk about it when she brought it up. When she told me she was jealous, I told her she could have it. Obviously, I would be devastated if anything happened to this baby now, but I was not thinking straight then. I have been reassured, and I know that I am being taken care of in more ways than one. Our plans were for me to take the RU 486 and to tell our family there was a miscarriage.
After talking with both my OB and neurologist, praying a lot, thinking a lot, I decided that there was no medical reason to go through with that. That all the concerns were selfish after that, and that we could not play God. I still strongly, firmly believe in a woman's right to choose. I still believe you have options. I would never wish that on anyone though. That was the most hellish week of my life.
And I would have told you if I thought you would understand, and if I thought you wouldn't judge me or try to preach. No one needs that when they are going through something so difficult already.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
14 weeks
"I'm so glad you decided to stay pregnant."
Those were my midwife's first words to me at my appointment on Thursday. I told her I was getting there, and was actually pretty excited, and she just kept going: "You know there's a reason you're pregnant. I am just so happy you are pregnant." I smiled, and I know that's the truth. I really do love that little baby, but it felt so weird coming from someone who is usually so professional. It is weird to see a professional show emotion. Especially when she is the one who took my IUD out (they have to), and when she told me of miscarriage risk, I said, "I don't care. I don't want it. I don't want another one ever." And she very professionally, without judgment, gave me abortion pamphlets and told me to make an appointment with them for aftercare.
She is the one I originally wanted to deliver my son, but once I became high risk, I had to have an OB. I would have had to have one anyway since my delivery turned into a c-section, but for regular appointments, we rotate between the doctors and the midwife. The way she & my doctor have handled all of this have made me gain a whole new respect for the medical profession. My doctor has, on more than one occasion, called just to check in on me. He remembers little anecdotes about me, and during my last pregnancy came in to check on me during one of my appointments even though he wasn't scheduled to see me. He just wanted to say hi and make sure I was doing okay after being released from the hospital after a seizure.
The midwife and this doctor always return my calls instead of a nurse. They are two of the most caring individuals ever. After I deliver this baby and complete all of the care involved, I will definitely be sending them a thank you note, if not something more.
In other news, I got to hear the heartbeat! It was 156. It sounded great, very strong. Nice and healthy. She didn't have to go searching for it at all.
Those were my midwife's first words to me at my appointment on Thursday. I told her I was getting there, and was actually pretty excited, and she just kept going: "You know there's a reason you're pregnant. I am just so happy you are pregnant." I smiled, and I know that's the truth. I really do love that little baby, but it felt so weird coming from someone who is usually so professional. It is weird to see a professional show emotion. Especially when she is the one who took my IUD out (they have to), and when she told me of miscarriage risk, I said, "I don't care. I don't want it. I don't want another one ever." And she very professionally, without judgment, gave me abortion pamphlets and told me to make an appointment with them for aftercare.
She is the one I originally wanted to deliver my son, but once I became high risk, I had to have an OB. I would have had to have one anyway since my delivery turned into a c-section, but for regular appointments, we rotate between the doctors and the midwife. The way she & my doctor have handled all of this have made me gain a whole new respect for the medical profession. My doctor has, on more than one occasion, called just to check in on me. He remembers little anecdotes about me, and during my last pregnancy came in to check on me during one of my appointments even though he wasn't scheduled to see me. He just wanted to say hi and make sure I was doing okay after being released from the hospital after a seizure.
The midwife and this doctor always return my calls instead of a nurse. They are two of the most caring individuals ever. After I deliver this baby and complete all of the care involved, I will definitely be sending them a thank you note, if not something more.
In other news, I got to hear the heartbeat! It was 156. It sounded great, very strong. Nice and healthy. She didn't have to go searching for it at all.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Love
One of the (many) reasons I was so nervous to have another child was because I feared that I could never love another person as much as I love my son.
The love I have for him is shocking to me at times. It took a long while to really "fall" in love with him. I was not one of the people who could say, "I'm so in love!" an hour after he was born and truly mean it. Heck, I didn't even get to see or hold him until three hours after he was born, so how would I have known? In all honesty, it took a good two or three months until I could truthfully say I was head over heels, kill-for-him, in love. It feels so weird to say that. So many people say that they were truly in love at first sight. Sometimes I wonder if they are lying to make themselves feel better, or if I just missed out on the early bond and think that about them to make myself feel better.
I hope that I get to hold Baby #2 sooner after birth than I did with my son. I feel like that is one of the many reasons I had bonding issues and post partum depression issues. I won't get into the rest this time. ;)
The love I have for him is shocking to me at times. It took a long while to really "fall" in love with him. I was not one of the people who could say, "I'm so in love!" an hour after he was born and truly mean it. Heck, I didn't even get to see or hold him until three hours after he was born, so how would I have known? In all honesty, it took a good two or three months until I could truthfully say I was head over heels, kill-for-him, in love. It feels so weird to say that. So many people say that they were truly in love at first sight. Sometimes I wonder if they are lying to make themselves feel better, or if I just missed out on the early bond and think that about them to make myself feel better.
I hope that I get to hold Baby #2 sooner after birth than I did with my son. I feel like that is one of the many reasons I had bonding issues and post partum depression issues. I won't get into the rest this time. ;)
Monday, June 8, 2009
It's been a while
I haven't updated in a while because things have been crazy. My son is super mobile, and is speed-crawling his way through our house. He is into everything he can get his little hands on, standing up the second he can grab something, and knocking things over left and right. I have been so tired trying to keep up with him!
In pregnancy news, I had an appointment on Thursday. It was my 10 week appointment and just a physical, like an annual exam. We went over all my blood work (which was excellent), and I am in good health. The doctor tried to hear the heartbeat with the doppler, but it was still way too early, so I got to have ANOTHER ultrasound! The peanut looked so much bigger. I finally got to bring home a picture to show my husband. He is definitely excited, and I am getting much more excited now. I just want the first trimester to be over! I am so tired of being nauseous, throwing up, and not having an appetite. Nothing sounds good to eat. Ever.
It seems like I find something new to be worried about everyday as well. I know I will schedule a c-section this time, but I am so worried that my body will decide it wants to go into labor this time. And of course, I won't be allowed to deliver vaginally. That would just set me up for more post partum depression issues, and I am trying to keep myself healthy and away from anything that might contribute, since I had such a rough go of it last time. I need to make sure to remember this so I can discuss it (when it becomes closer and more of an issue) with my doctor. I am just fearful for so many reason, and I know I shouldn't be.
I am trying to think positively, but I feel like I have so many things to be worried about!
In pregnancy news, I had an appointment on Thursday. It was my 10 week appointment and just a physical, like an annual exam. We went over all my blood work (which was excellent), and I am in good health. The doctor tried to hear the heartbeat with the doppler, but it was still way too early, so I got to have ANOTHER ultrasound! The peanut looked so much bigger. I finally got to bring home a picture to show my husband. He is definitely excited, and I am getting much more excited now. I just want the first trimester to be over! I am so tired of being nauseous, throwing up, and not having an appetite. Nothing sounds good to eat. Ever.
It seems like I find something new to be worried about everyday as well. I know I will schedule a c-section this time, but I am so worried that my body will decide it wants to go into labor this time. And of course, I won't be allowed to deliver vaginally. That would just set me up for more post partum depression issues, and I am trying to keep myself healthy and away from anything that might contribute, since I had such a rough go of it last time. I need to make sure to remember this so I can discuss it (when it becomes closer and more of an issue) with my doctor. I am just fearful for so many reason, and I know I shouldn't be.
I am trying to think positively, but I feel like I have so many things to be worried about!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Schedules
"You could have a Christmas or New Year's baby!"
No, no I couldn't. And I wouldn't want one anyway. Every time I tell someone my due date, they get excited and wish a holiday baby on me. Even my mother-in-law. Did she forget I had a c-section the first time? Even people who remembered I had a c-section seem to be surprised I am scheduling another one.
I had a rough delivery with my son, and I do not want to go through that again. Even my OB agrees. We discussed this at a "meeting" we had at 6 weeks: rough pregnancy, rough delivery, rough post partum period--I just want this time around to go as smoothly as possible. I would think everyone else would too. Or at least know that I do.
Sure, I am all for a woman's right to try a VBAC if she wants to. I just never will. I'm over it. I no longer care that I will not be pushing a baby out of my body. My body was not made for it. If my barely 7 lb. son got stuck in my pelvic bone, imagine if my second baby were bigger. And most of all, I would have to go 5 hours away to a different hospital and just wait for labor. No thank you.
This is the pregnancy that I didn't want. It is the one that wasn't supposed to happen. It is the one that I almost terminated. But I am taking the most care of it. I'm not taking a single risk this time around. Give me every medical intervention you've got, doc.
No, no I couldn't. And I wouldn't want one anyway. Every time I tell someone my due date, they get excited and wish a holiday baby on me. Even my mother-in-law. Did she forget I had a c-section the first time? Even people who remembered I had a c-section seem to be surprised I am scheduling another one.
I had a rough delivery with my son, and I do not want to go through that again. Even my OB agrees. We discussed this at a "meeting" we had at 6 weeks: rough pregnancy, rough delivery, rough post partum period--I just want this time around to go as smoothly as possible. I would think everyone else would too. Or at least know that I do.
Sure, I am all for a woman's right to try a VBAC if she wants to. I just never will. I'm over it. I no longer care that I will not be pushing a baby out of my body. My body was not made for it. If my barely 7 lb. son got stuck in my pelvic bone, imagine if my second baby were bigger. And most of all, I would have to go 5 hours away to a different hospital and just wait for labor. No thank you.
This is the pregnancy that I didn't want. It is the one that wasn't supposed to happen. It is the one that I almost terminated. But I am taking the most care of it. I'm not taking a single risk this time around. Give me every medical intervention you've got, doc.
Friday, May 22, 2009
8 weeks already
I had my second ultrasound already yesterday. It was to confirm my due date. Unlike last time, when my due date got pushed back 11 days, we got moved up a day! So my official due date is December 30, 2009. The little ones will be almost exactly 15 1/2 months apart. Maybe I should be committed now.
I did get to hear the heartbeat, which was very exciting. Normally you don't get to hear it until about 12-14 weeks. It was 164 beats per minute, good and healthy. I might be getting a little more excited, but at the same time a little more "Oh my gosh what the hell have I gotten myself into?" It is so hard not to panic.
I want to be able to enjoy my son's new milestones without being exhausted from 1st trimester fatigue and morning sickness. I want to be able to chase him while he's crawling and have the energy to take him places instead of feeling like a blob on the couch. I know I'm not the only woman to go through this, but the majority who do it do so willingly. I still feel a tiny bit of resentment. I wanted to savor every bit of my son's babyhood, and now I feel like I'm only giving 50% of what is possible.
I really am trying to look at all the positives of this. Current positives: I got a prescription for Zofran to help with my nausea, and it is REALLY helping! I also have a go-to food that I know will fill me up and not make me sick--mashed potatoes. Yum.
I did get to hear the heartbeat, which was very exciting. Normally you don't get to hear it until about 12-14 weeks. It was 164 beats per minute, good and healthy. I might be getting a little more excited, but at the same time a little more "Oh my gosh what the hell have I gotten myself into?" It is so hard not to panic.
I want to be able to enjoy my son's new milestones without being exhausted from 1st trimester fatigue and morning sickness. I want to be able to chase him while he's crawling and have the energy to take him places instead of feeling like a blob on the couch. I know I'm not the only woman to go through this, but the majority who do it do so willingly. I still feel a tiny bit of resentment. I wanted to savor every bit of my son's babyhood, and now I feel like I'm only giving 50% of what is possible.
I really am trying to look at all the positives of this. Current positives: I got a prescription for Zofran to help with my nausea, and it is REALLY helping! I also have a go-to food that I know will fill me up and not make me sick--mashed potatoes. Yum.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Morning Sickness
Dry heaving. Gagging. Food aversions.
It hasn't even been three weeks, and I want to throw in the towel. The same things that convinced my heart to keep this baby are beginning to make me crazy. Yes, you read that right. Morning sickness symptoms changed my mind. Let me explain myself:
The morning after we made our big decision, I walked out into the kitchen, where I had left a plate with a blob of ketchup on it on the counter. (I like a lot of ketchup with my french fries. What can I say?) Nearly the second I walked into the kitchen and smelled that ketchup, I was bent over gagging and dry heaving. There was no question--even though there was no heartbeat yet, and all I had seen was just a tiny little sac--it already had a hold on me. It is hard to wrap your brain around the changes that take place in your body during pregnancy, even that early. I know the majority of it is caused by hormones, but it is so... crazy. I don't know how else to describe it.
I could say torture. I love food. I really do. I love trying different kinds, I love cooking (well, I did before I had my son), and I love experimenting with new recipes. But, now food just turns me off. I know I have at least 6 more weeks of eating bland carbs before I am back to somewhat normalcy. But dry heaving at the sight, smell, and just thought of certain foods and smells is so hard to get through. I know I am whining. I know many people go through worse. But I would like to get through one day without heaving in the kitchen.
It hasn't even been three weeks, and I want to throw in the towel. The same things that convinced my heart to keep this baby are beginning to make me crazy. Yes, you read that right. Morning sickness symptoms changed my mind. Let me explain myself:
The morning after we made our big decision, I walked out into the kitchen, where I had left a plate with a blob of ketchup on it on the counter. (I like a lot of ketchup with my french fries. What can I say?) Nearly the second I walked into the kitchen and smelled that ketchup, I was bent over gagging and dry heaving. There was no question--even though there was no heartbeat yet, and all I had seen was just a tiny little sac--it already had a hold on me. It is hard to wrap your brain around the changes that take place in your body during pregnancy, even that early. I know the majority of it is caused by hormones, but it is so... crazy. I don't know how else to describe it.
I could say torture. I love food. I really do. I love trying different kinds, I love cooking (well, I did before I had my son), and I love experimenting with new recipes. But, now food just turns me off. I know I have at least 6 more weeks of eating bland carbs before I am back to somewhat normalcy. But dry heaving at the sight, smell, and just thought of certain foods and smells is so hard to get through. I know I am whining. I know many people go through worse. But I would like to get through one day without heaving in the kitchen.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Guilt
I feel guilty for so many things.
- Taking a medication known to cause birth defects (which did cause one in my son)
- Not feeling happy about this yet
- Not having any inkling of "Oh! We should name it this!" when so many women who aren't even expecting have their future children named. This child will be nameless.
- Women miscarry, go through fertilization treatments, and still aren't successful with those, everyday. Here I am getting pregnant through an almost failproof form of birth control. And I'm PISSED. Why can't I be thankful? Why can't I find the good in this situation?
I feel so guilty that I don't want this baby yet. When people say they want to get pregnant soon but can't or don't have the money, or whatever other reason... I almost jump at the chance to offer them the tiny being that I'm incubating in my uterus. What kind of mother does that? Especially when she already has one that she loves so much?
I feel guilty for having these feelings. What if something happens? What if there is a problem at my ultrasound on Thursday? Will it be my fault? Did I wish it on myself? How will I ever explain this to Baby #2? How will I get over this, move past it, and grow to love it?
I have so many questions and no one to answer them.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Making Plans
One day I will get over it. Today is not that day.
Having two kids under the age of two at the age of 24 is not the way I imagined my life. Ever. I am honestly not sure how I imagined my life turning out, but this was not on the master plan. We wanted to start having kids around the ages of 27-30. We knew we wanted one. Maybe two. We had to see how everything went with the first one. And we saw that quickly. The decision was made--one and done.
Why didn't we get to decide that? I feel like all my major life decisions have been made for me. We didn't get to choose where we live. My husband's company did. Our first son wasn't planned. And now this? I know I probably make myself out to be victimized when I really have a pretty good life. But, like I said, this wasn't in my plan.
When I say this, I nearly always get one of two responses: "God has a plan for you," or, "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans." Neither of these things are what a person wants to hear when she is dealing what classifies as a major life crisis. These are not comforting thoughts. These are "suck it up and deal" thoughts. It is hard for people to comfort someone who is dealing with an unwanted pregnancy. "Normal" people are generally thrilled, ecstactic, and overcome with [happy] emotion when they hear the news. When another person breaks out of that mold and breaks the news as if it were akin to a death in the family, it seems as though no one knows how to respond. "But, babies are blessings!" "You should be happy you get pregnant so easily. Some people would kill for a baby, and you aren't even happy about it?" And those just make the devastation, guilt, and grief worse.
I am trying to get over this. Some days are better than others. Days like today, I have to ask myself, why did I fall into the 0.6%? I am not cut out for this.
Having two kids under the age of two at the age of 24 is not the way I imagined my life. Ever. I am honestly not sure how I imagined my life turning out, but this was not on the master plan. We wanted to start having kids around the ages of 27-30. We knew we wanted one. Maybe two. We had to see how everything went with the first one. And we saw that quickly. The decision was made--one and done.
Why didn't we get to decide that? I feel like all my major life decisions have been made for me. We didn't get to choose where we live. My husband's company did. Our first son wasn't planned. And now this? I know I probably make myself out to be victimized when I really have a pretty good life. But, like I said, this wasn't in my plan.
When I say this, I nearly always get one of two responses: "God has a plan for you," or, "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans." Neither of these things are what a person wants to hear when she is dealing what classifies as a major life crisis. These are not comforting thoughts. These are "suck it up and deal" thoughts. It is hard for people to comfort someone who is dealing with an unwanted pregnancy. "Normal" people are generally thrilled, ecstactic, and overcome with [happy] emotion when they hear the news. When another person breaks out of that mold and breaks the news as if it were akin to a death in the family, it seems as though no one knows how to respond. "But, babies are blessings!" "You should be happy you get pregnant so easily. Some people would kill for a baby, and you aren't even happy about it?" And those just make the devastation, guilt, and grief worse.
I am trying to get over this. Some days are better than others. Days like today, I have to ask myself, why did I fall into the 0.6%? I am not cut out for this.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
How did this happen?
I know the saying is, "Every cloud has a silver lining," and that's what I originally wanted to name my blog. But that address was taken. And copper seemed more clever for my situation.
I had the copper IUD (Paragard), which has a 99.4% success rate. My husband and I were almost certain we were done having children after our first. We thought he was going to be our only, after such a difficult pregnancy, difficult delivery, and a very rough go with post-partum depression. Fast forward to May 1. I was about 5 days late for my period. It is usually like clockwork. 28 days. No more, no less. I was starting to get panicky. I took my son to Walgreen's with me and bought a pack of two digital pregnancy tests. There was no way I was going to mess around trying to read silly lines.
By the time I washed my hands, "Pregnant" popped up on that stupid little screen. I nearly hyperventilated. I called my OB in a panic. They put me in for the next day. I was yelling at him, "How did this happen?! Well. I know how it happened, but how?! I don't want anymore kids!" He assured me that I was taking the test early, asked what kind of test I took, and told me they would get me in to take a blood test. I called my husband while I was wailing. He told me to calm down as I told him the news.
Monday.
No blood test. Just a pee test. It was positive (surprise). My IUD had moved and gotten stuck in my cervix. The midwife removed it. We did an ultrasound, and there was definitely a gestational sac. I told her I would rather die than have another baby. I told her I didn't want it. She gave me termination information. The next few days were spent agonizing over a decision. One day, we decided we were definitely terminating. The day I made my appointment, I heard the receptionist say the A word, and as soon as I hung up, I knew I couldn't do it.
By Thursday, I had an hour long appointment with my regular OB, and he assured me that all my medical problems would be more closely watched this time. I met with my neurologist later in the day, and I will be seeing him more often this time also. I cancelled my appointment with the clinic. This baby has a future. I don't want to play God. My son will have a sibling in December. And I just have to figure it all out.
I had the copper IUD (Paragard), which has a 99.4% success rate. My husband and I were almost certain we were done having children after our first. We thought he was going to be our only, after such a difficult pregnancy, difficult delivery, and a very rough go with post-partum depression. Fast forward to May 1. I was about 5 days late for my period. It is usually like clockwork. 28 days. No more, no less. I was starting to get panicky. I took my son to Walgreen's with me and bought a pack of two digital pregnancy tests. There was no way I was going to mess around trying to read silly lines.
By the time I washed my hands, "Pregnant" popped up on that stupid little screen. I nearly hyperventilated. I called my OB in a panic. They put me in for the next day. I was yelling at him, "How did this happen?! Well. I know how it happened, but how?! I don't want anymore kids!" He assured me that I was taking the test early, asked what kind of test I took, and told me they would get me in to take a blood test. I called my husband while I was wailing. He told me to calm down as I told him the news.
Monday.
No blood test. Just a pee test. It was positive (surprise). My IUD had moved and gotten stuck in my cervix. The midwife removed it. We did an ultrasound, and there was definitely a gestational sac. I told her I would rather die than have another baby. I told her I didn't want it. She gave me termination information. The next few days were spent agonizing over a decision. One day, we decided we were definitely terminating. The day I made my appointment, I heard the receptionist say the A word, and as soon as I hung up, I knew I couldn't do it.
By Thursday, I had an hour long appointment with my regular OB, and he assured me that all my medical problems would be more closely watched this time. I met with my neurologist later in the day, and I will be seeing him more often this time also. I cancelled my appointment with the clinic. This baby has a future. I don't want to play God. My son will have a sibling in December. And I just have to figure it all out.
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