Thursday, July 30, 2009


My day got started with a call from my neurologist's office with bloodwork results. Usually those just get mailed to me, and we discuss them at my bi-monthly appointments. My medication level dropped, which means my daily dosage has to be increased.

I am only 18 weeks. I did not have to have anything increased until the late 2nd trimester/early 3rd trimester last pregnancy. Logically, I know this is for the better. I know that they are monitoring everything a lot closer. I know that my dosage was not increased until after I had a seizure with my last pregnancy, so I should be thankful this has been caught. But I still feel like this is early. There are so many "what if"s. What if it is going to be worse this time because it is so early? What if i have to take so much more of my medicine that it cancels out the amount of folic acid I'm taking? What if, what if, what if?

I'm trying so hard to focus on the logical advice given by my OB last year: the health of the mother comes first. Seizures cause me to lose oxygen, which cause baby to lose oxygen. The medication may cause a birth defect, but oxygen loss will cause trauma or death. You can fix a defective baby but you cannot fix a dead baby. That is near verbatim. Those words will forever stand out in my mind, and I am just trying to repeat them to myself when I am forcing myself to swallow 6 pills in the morning and 4 at night. This isn't permanent, and there is a prize in the end.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Take care

Sometimes I feel like I need a caretaker for myself. I feel like I do a pretty good, if not great, job taking care of my son (who is 10.5 months now!), but so much of myself gets tossed by the wayside. I know that is what happens when you become a mother, but now that I am pregnant again, I should be taking much better care of myself than I am.

This pregnancy is going pretty similarly to my last one: lots of marital stress, lots of arguing, morning sickness, weight loss, worrying, etc. However, I cannot seem to eat. I don't find many things appetizing, I gag when I put food in my mouth, and I even have a strong anti-nausea prescription (which I did not have last time). I already weigh less than I have in years. Less than I got down to with my last pregnancy, probably what I weighed when I was a junior in high school, obsessed with exercising and counting calories. I swear I am not trying to do this.

Also, I have forgotten my anti-seizure and anti-depressants the past two days. Yes, I know what can happen if I forget. I just get too caught up in playing with my son or too caught up in thinking about everything else or wanting to sleep when he sleeps that I forget.

I want this pregnancy to go better. I want to be healthy. I want a healthy baby. More than anything. I just don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to feel trapped.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


God grant me strength to make it through to Friday...
Thank you.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


Sometimes I wish real life was like Hollywood. Not the movies, just like celebrity life. I wish I could check into the hospital for "exhaustion" just so I could get away from my life for a few days, weeks, whatever. Just until I felt like going back.

I am so tired.
Tired of doing everything.
Tired of being nagged.
Tired of putting the baby to bed and being expected to hop right on the housework instead of allowing myself some time to eat or relax.
Tired of putting everyone's needs in front of my own, especially when I need to eat right to gain weight for this baby, when all I have done is lost it.

I just want to go lay down somewhere, where people will take care of ME. Where no one will call me lazy for wanting to lay down. Where people will ask me how I feel. Where people will notice when I feel down. Where I won't have to fake it.

I'm not a lazy piece of shit. I'm not any of those things. I'm just a little stressed out. No, I don't get stressed too easily, I am just overworked and underappreciated.

Friday, July 10, 2009


What kind of IUD did you have?
I had the Copper IUD, brandname Paragard. It does not contain hormones. For more information go to or ask your doctor.

What made you decide to take a pregnancy test?
I had regular 28-day cycles and was 5 days late.

Was your IUD inserted incorrectly?
No. It was inserted perfectly, but it shifted and moved out of my uterus into my cervix. It was removed 3 days after I got my positive home pregnancy test at 5 weeks 3 days gestation. I also had an ultrasound to ensure the pregnancy was viable and only saw a gestational sac.

What is the effectiveness rate for the Paragard IUD?
99.4% which is the same as tubal ligation, surprisingly. I guess we got lucky.

Are you going to sue your doctor?
(This really gets asked!) The thought has never crossed my mind, and I would never do that. He is a great guy, and anyway, you have to sign a waiver stating that you understand the risks involved before you get it inserted. I'm not a money grubber!

What are you doing for future birth control?
I'm getting a tubal ligation with my planned c-section in December.

Were you using any back up methods?
Not at all! Who thinks to do that when they are using an (almost) fail-safe birth control method? Would you?

Monday, July 6, 2009


The thought crossed my mind last night, as I was writing last night's post, that someone in my family might come across my blog. My sister is an avid blog-reader, as are a couple of my cousins. I've done the best I can to keep this anonymous as possible, leaving out names, photos and any other identifiers.

In that case, if they did find it, I want to let them know why I never told them some of this. It is hard for some people to understand the feeling of an unwanted pregnancy. Some people don't necessarily believe that there is more than one "option" once the plus sign shows up. I don't think anyone will truly understand the sense of dread and panic that set in when I saw the positive. I never wanted to get pregnant again because I truly did not feel like my body was a safe environment for a baby. The week of decision-making was truly the hardest, most emotional week of my life. I shut off most of my family and friends, and I told my sister I didn't want to talk about it when she brought it up. When she told me she was jealous, I told her she could have it. Obviously, I would be devastated if anything happened to this baby now, but I was not thinking straight then. I have been reassured, and I know that I am being taken care of in more ways than one. Our plans were for me to take the RU 486 and to tell our family there was a miscarriage.

After talking with both my OB and neurologist, praying a lot, thinking a lot, I decided that there was no medical reason to go through with that. That all the concerns were selfish after that, and that we could not play God. I still strongly, firmly believe in a woman's right to choose. I still believe you have options. I would never wish that on anyone though. That was the most hellish week of my life.

And I would have told you if I thought you would understand, and if I thought you wouldn't judge me or try to preach. No one needs that when they are going through something so difficult already.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

14 weeks

"I'm so glad you decided to stay pregnant."

Those were my midwife's first words to me at my appointment on Thursday. I told her I was getting there, and was actually pretty excited, and she just kept going: "You know there's a reason you're pregnant. I am just so happy you are pregnant." I smiled, and I know that's the truth. I really do love that little baby, but it felt so weird coming from someone who is usually so professional. It is weird to see a professional show emotion. Especially when she is the one who took my IUD out (they have to), and when she told me of miscarriage risk, I said, "I don't care. I don't want it. I don't want another one ever." And she very professionally, without judgment, gave me abortion pamphlets and told me to make an appointment with them for aftercare.

She is the one I originally wanted to deliver my son, but once I became high risk, I had to have an OB. I would have had to have one anyway since my delivery turned into a c-section, but for regular appointments, we rotate between the doctors and the midwife. The way she & my doctor have handled all of this have made me gain a whole new respect for the medical profession. My doctor has, on more than one occasion, called just to check in on me. He remembers little anecdotes about me, and during my last pregnancy came in to check on me during one of my appointments even though he wasn't scheduled to see me. He just wanted to say hi and make sure I was doing okay after being released from the hospital after a seizure.

The midwife and this doctor always return my calls instead of a nurse. They are two of the most caring individuals ever. After I deliver this baby and complete all of the care involved, I will definitely be sending them a thank you note, if not something more.

In other news, I got to hear the heartbeat! It was 156. It sounded great, very strong. Nice and healthy. She didn't have to go searching for it at all.