Monday, July 6, 2009


The thought crossed my mind last night, as I was writing last night's post, that someone in my family might come across my blog. My sister is an avid blog-reader, as are a couple of my cousins. I've done the best I can to keep this anonymous as possible, leaving out names, photos and any other identifiers.

In that case, if they did find it, I want to let them know why I never told them some of this. It is hard for some people to understand the feeling of an unwanted pregnancy. Some people don't necessarily believe that there is more than one "option" once the plus sign shows up. I don't think anyone will truly understand the sense of dread and panic that set in when I saw the positive. I never wanted to get pregnant again because I truly did not feel like my body was a safe environment for a baby. The week of decision-making was truly the hardest, most emotional week of my life. I shut off most of my family and friends, and I told my sister I didn't want to talk about it when she brought it up. When she told me she was jealous, I told her she could have it. Obviously, I would be devastated if anything happened to this baby now, but I was not thinking straight then. I have been reassured, and I know that I am being taken care of in more ways than one. Our plans were for me to take the RU 486 and to tell our family there was a miscarriage.

After talking with both my OB and neurologist, praying a lot, thinking a lot, I decided that there was no medical reason to go through with that. That all the concerns were selfish after that, and that we could not play God. I still strongly, firmly believe in a woman's right to choose. I still believe you have options. I would never wish that on anyone though. That was the most hellish week of my life.

And I would have told you if I thought you would understand, and if I thought you wouldn't judge me or try to preach. No one needs that when they are going through something so difficult already.

1 comment:

  1. I could have written this myself. My first was not planned and I, too, had a week of making plans that I ultimately decided not to follow through on. Thank you for being so honest!