Schedules

"You could have a Christmas or New Year's baby!"

No, no I couldn't. And I wouldn't want one anyway. Every time I tell someone my due date, they get excited and wish a holiday baby on me. Even my mother-in-law. Did she forget I had a c-section the first time? Even people who remembered I had a c-section seem to be surprised I am scheduling another one.

I had a rough delivery with my son, and I do not want to go through that again. Even my OB agrees. We discussed this at a "meeting" we had at 6 weeks: rough pregnancy, rough delivery, rough post partum period--I just want this time around to go as smoothly as possible. I would think everyone else would too. Or at least know that I do.

Sure, I am all for a woman's right to try a VBAC if she wants to. I just never will. I'm over it. I no longer care that I will not be pushing a baby out of my body. My body was not made for it. If my barely 7 lb. son got stuck in my pelvic bone, imagine if my second baby were bigger. And most of all, I would have to go 5 hours away to a different hospital and just wait for labor. No thank you.

This is the pregnancy that I didn't want. It is the one that wasn't supposed to happen. It is the one that I almost terminated. But I am taking the most care of it. I'm not taking a single risk this time around. Give me every medical intervention you've got, doc.

8 weeks already

I had my second ultrasound already yesterday. It was to confirm my due date. Unlike last time, when my due date got pushed back 11 days, we got moved up a day! So my official due date is December 30, 2009. The little ones will be almost exactly 15 1/2 months apart. Maybe I should be committed now.

I did get to hear the heartbeat, which was very exciting. Normally you don't get to hear it until about 12-14 weeks. It was 164 beats per minute, good and healthy. I might be getting a little more excited, but at the same time a little more "Oh my gosh what the hell have I gotten myself into?" It is so hard not to panic.

I want to be able to enjoy my son's new milestones without being exhausted from 1st trimester fatigue and morning sickness. I want to be able to chase him while he's crawling and have the energy to take him places instead of feeling like a blob on the couch. I know I'm not the only woman to go through this, but the majority who do it do so willingly. I still feel a tiny bit of resentment. I wanted to savor every bit of my son's babyhood, and now I feel like I'm only giving 50% of what is possible.

I really am trying to look at all the positives of this. Current positives: I got a prescription for Zofran to help with my nausea, and it is REALLY helping! I also have a go-to food that I know will fill me up and not make me sick--mashed potatoes. Yum.

Morning Sickness

Dry heaving. Gagging. Food aversions.

It hasn't even been three weeks, and I want to throw in the towel. The same things that convinced my heart to keep this baby are beginning to make me crazy. Yes, you read that right. Morning sickness symptoms changed my mind. Let me explain myself:

The morning after we made our big decision, I walked out into the kitchen, where I had left a plate with a blob of ketchup on it on the counter. (I like a lot of ketchup with my french fries. What can I say?) Nearly the second I walked into the kitchen and smelled that ketchup, I was bent over gagging and dry heaving. There was no question--even though there was no heartbeat yet, and all I had seen was just a tiny little sac--it already had a hold on me. It is hard to wrap your brain around the changes that take place in your body during pregnancy, even that early. I know the majority of it is caused by hormones, but it is so... crazy. I don't know how else to describe it.

I could say torture. I love food. I really do. I love trying different kinds, I love cooking (well, I did before I had my son), and I love experimenting with new recipes. But, now food just turns me off. I know I have at least 6 more weeks of eating bland carbs before I am back to somewhat normalcy. But dry heaving at the sight, smell, and just thought of certain foods and smells is so hard to get through. I know I am whining. I know many people go through worse. But I would like to get through one day without heaving in the kitchen.

Guilt

I feel guilty for so many things.

• Taking a medication known to cause birth defects (which did cause one in my son)
• Not feeling happy about this yet
• Not having any inkling of "Oh! We should name it this!" when so many women who aren't even expecting have their future children named. This child will be nameless.
• Women miscarry, go through fertilization treatments, and still aren't successful with those, everyday. Here I am getting pregnant through an almost failproof form of birth control. And I'm PISSED. Why can't I be thankful? Why can't I find the good in this situation?

I feel so guilty that I don't want this baby yet. When people say they want to get pregnant soon but can't or don't have the money, or whatever other reason... I almost jump at the chance to offer them the tiny being that I'm incubating in my uterus. What kind of mother does that? Especially when she already has one that she loves so much?

I feel guilty for having these feelings. What if something happens? What if there is a problem at my ultrasound on Thursday? Will it be my fault? Did I wish it on myself? How will I ever explain this to Baby #2? How will I get over this, move past it, and grow to love it?

I have so many questions and no one to answer them.

Making Plans

One day I will get over it. Today is not that day.

Having two kids under the age of two at the age of 24 is not the way I imagined my life. Ever. I am honestly not sure how I imagined my life turning out, but this was not on the master plan. We wanted to start having kids around the ages of 27-30. We knew we wanted one. Maybe two. We had to see how everything went with the first one. And we saw that quickly. The decision was made--one and done.

Why didn't we get to decide that? I feel like all my major life decisions have been made for me. We didn't get to choose where we live. My husband's company did. Our first son wasn't planned. And now this? I know I probably make myself out to be victimized when I really have a pretty good life. But, like I said, this wasn't in my plan.

When I say this, I nearly always get one of two responses: "God has a plan for you," or, "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans." Neither of these things are what a person wants to hear when she is dealing what classifies as a major life crisis. These are not comforting thoughts. These are "suck it up and deal" thoughts. It is hard for people to comfort someone who is dealing with an unwanted pregnancy. "Normal" people are generally thrilled, ecstactic, and overcome with [happy] emotion when they hear the news. When another person breaks out of that mold and breaks the news as if it were akin to a death in the family, it seems as though no one knows how to respond. "But, babies are blessings!" "You should be happy you get pregnant so easily. Some people would kill for a baby, and you aren't even happy about it?" And those just make the devastation, guilt, and grief worse.

I am trying to get over this. Some days are better than others. Days like today, I have to ask myself, why did I fall into the 0.6%? I am not cut out for this.

How did this happen?

I know the saying is, "Every cloud has a silver lining," and that's what I originally wanted to name my blog. But that address was taken. And copper seemed more clever for my situation.

I had the copper IUD (Paragard), which has a 99.4% success rate. My husband and I were almost certain we were done having children after our first. We thought he was going to be our only, after such a difficult pregnancy, difficult delivery, and a very rough go with post-partum depression. Fast forward to May 1. I was about 5 days late for my period. It is usually like clockwork. 28 days. No more, no less. I was starting to get panicky. I took my son to Walgreen's with me and bought a pack of two digital pregnancy tests. There was no way I was going to mess around trying to read silly lines.

By the time I washed my hands, "Pregnant" popped up on that stupid little screen. I nearly hyperventilated. I called my OB in a panic. They put me in for the next day. I was yelling at him, "How did this happen?! Well. I know how it happened, but how?! I don't want anymore kids!" He assured me that I was taking the test early, asked what kind of test I took, and told me they would get me in to take a blood test. I called my husband while I was wailing. He told me to calm down as I told him the news.

Monday.
No blood test. Just a pee test. It was positive (surprise). My IUD had moved and gotten stuck in my cervix. The midwife removed it. We did an ultrasound, and there was definitely a gestational sac. I told her I would rather die than have another baby. I told her I didn't want it. She gave me termination information. The next few days were spent agonizing over a decision. One day, we decided we were definitely terminating. The day I made my appointment, I heard the receptionist say the A word, and as soon as I hung up, I knew I couldn't do it.

By Thursday, I had an hour long appointment with my regular OB, and he assured me that all my medical problems would be more closely watched this time. I met with my neurologist later in the day, and I will be seeing him more often this time also. I cancelled my appointment with the clinic. This baby has a future. I don't want to play God. My son will have a sibling in December. And I just have to figure it all out.