Thursday, May 14, 2009

Making Plans

One day I will get over it. Today is not that day.

Having two kids under the age of two at the age of 24 is not the way I imagined my life. Ever. I am honestly not sure how I imagined my life turning out, but this was not on the master plan. We wanted to start having kids around the ages of 27-30. We knew we wanted one. Maybe two. We had to see how everything went with the first one. And we saw that quickly. The decision was made--one and done.

Why didn't we get to decide that? I feel like all my major life decisions have been made for me. We didn't get to choose where we live. My husband's company did. Our first son wasn't planned. And now this? I know I probably make myself out to be victimized when I really have a pretty good life. But, like I said, this wasn't in my plan.

When I say this, I nearly always get one of two responses: "God has a plan for you," or, "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans." Neither of these things are what a person wants to hear when she is dealing what classifies as a major life crisis. These are not comforting thoughts. These are "suck it up and deal" thoughts. It is hard for people to comfort someone who is dealing with an unwanted pregnancy. "Normal" people are generally thrilled, ecstactic, and overcome with [happy] emotion when they hear the news. When another person breaks out of that mold and breaks the news as if it were akin to a death in the family, it seems as though no one knows how to respond. "But, babies are blessings!" "You should be happy you get pregnant so easily. Some people would kill for a baby, and you aren't even happy about it?" And those just make the devastation, guilt, and grief worse.

I am trying to get over this. Some days are better than others. Days like today, I have to ask myself, why did I fall into the 0.6%? I am not cut out for this.

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